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I haven't really been on Newgrounds actively for a few years now, and I came back to read some of my old private messages and conversations with the fine folks here.
Jesus, was I an insufferable little piece of shit. But more on that later.
For now, I would like to share a few thoughts on the matter. I don't expect anybody to read this, I just want to lucidly type for a moment. If you're not interested in what I have to say here, I'd stop reading now and do something, ANYTHING, else.
I joined Newgrounds many years ago, when I was around 11 or 12 years old. The fact that I was breaking the site's "You MUST be 13 or older to write on the forums/submit content" rule didn't faze me in the slightest. After all, I was a talented, mature kid! People would love me and my witty, tween-based sense of humor and ideas! I would be an overnight sensation!
Yeah, that didn't work out well for anybody, really.
I was a dick. I trolled the forums, messaged people constantly advertising my "up-and-coming" forums (all of them hosted on free domains, might I add), got butt-hurt when people didn't like my truly awful submissions, and much, much worse. I was difficult, I was a musiance, and I was just another immature fucking kid who cursed too much and had nothing positive to add, unless you count Microsoft Paint stick figures as "positive".
But all of that's changed now.
Actually, it hasn't. I'm 16 years old as of writing this, which, at the very least, means I'm now technically able to have a Newgrounds account. Progress! But more importantly, I'm still a growing kid, who's on a website full of highly talented people doing shit that I could never even DREAM of accomplishing.
I watched that new movie that came out a month or two ago on Newgrounds, the one about the futuristic lottery winner who lives a life of poverty, and it absolutely blew me away. The length, the scope, the obvious work and heart poured into the project. The silence that impacted the effect of the movie, and, last but not least, the file size. Over 200 megabytes, which is unheard of on Newgrounds (as far as I know). It showed me how far Flash can go, how far Flash SHOULD go.
In contrast, here's one of the latest things I uploaded to Newgrounds. It's some bullshit about a bucket, or something. It's awful. From what I remember, I made that animation as a joke for my sister, but why I uploaded it to the internet, for the world to see, is beyond me.
Well, it's not beyond me. I was an idiot. A simplistic child. A worthless addition to a website full of winners and losers. I was worse than the losers. I was an underage kid.
I am finally able to realize how truly, truly terrible I used to be, and how terrible I still am. This post is not meant to show how mature I feel I am, and how I can now be a proud member of this fine website. No, far from it. I know that I'm still a worthless teenager who's ideas are rarely ever executed well, and I know that I am still a dumb teenager, plain and simple. I know all of this. But I know that I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be, and I would like to apologize for my past behavior. To those of you who I harassed, or bothered, or treated poorly (and there are many of you), I'm sorry. I felt great shame reading those old messages, and I want you guys, if you somehow read this post, to know that I didn't mean any of the harsh, yet simplistic insults I came up with. Things such as "horse-fucker" and "fukinng ASSWIPE!11!!!" Yeah, I was THAT kind of asshole. Again, I'm sorry.
What is the point of this post, you may be asking? Honestly, I have no fucking idea anymore. I guess I just wanted to vent these feelings, because it's crazy to me how bad I used to be, and how bad I likely still am, but can't fully see yet. I guess I just wanted to say that I wish I could lock up my access to the internet until I was old enough to realize what chivalry and decency towards strangers is.
What do I do with myself now, you are likely not asking yourself? I'm glad you asked! I've grown a larger interest in writing narratives, and I can say that my ability to do so has vastly improved over the years, if my english and film teachers are to be trusted. I enjoy making shitty little Youtube videos whenever I can (but, still having schoolwork, I often don't have the time to do so). If you're interested, you can watch my latest Youtube video, which is an exagerated parody of the soul-crushing artsy "Oscar-bait" films that I am tired of hearing about.
Yeah, I know, I still haven't improved much in terms of a sense of humor and filmmaking. But I can confidently say that I am learning, and I feel that I am much better now than I was a mere four years ago.
Lastly, I'm interested in comedy, what works and what doesn't work to make people laugh. I refuse to be one of those kids who just spurts out a bunch of annoying fucking memes (HAHAHA YOU MAD BRO?!?!?! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHH!!!!), and I try my best to come up with original jokes and ideas.
I do my best, but I know that I'm still a maturing kid. A kid who has little experience. But I feel that with every stupid, immature message, and with every pandering news post I write onto animation and game websites, I'm slowly becoming more and more of a tolerable human being, and I think that that's not the worst thing possible.
So, thank you for reading my thoughts, if you were bored enough. And to those of you who want to write "tl;dr" in the comments:
In summation, I used to be an immature little buttfuck, and I'm sorry for my behavior of past and present. I'm trying my best to change. For you. For the children.